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Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Ten Tips For Beating Depression
I heard about a woman who was suffering from depression, so her concerned husband took her to a psychiatrist. The doctor listened to the couple talk about their relationship, and then he said, "The treatment I prescribe is really quite simple." With that, he went over to the man's wife, gathered her up in his arms, and gave her a big kiss. He then stepped back and looked at the woman's glowing face and broad smile. Turning to the woman's husband, he said, "See! That's all she needs to put new life back into her." Expressionless, the husband said, "If you say so, Doc, I can bring her in on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Okay, that's not how to treat depression, but I have a few other suggestions that make more sense. As a result of trial and error, over the course of thirty years, I've found ten blues battling strategies that often help me. These are not quick fixes, and this list is not exhaustive. It is also not a "must do" list.
When you're depressed, the last thing you need is a list of expectations to live up to. Don't stress about forcing yourself to accomplish all these things. They're not items to be checked off a list each day. The only one that is crucial is number one. After that, you can experiment with the others as you feel able to.
1) Get the Facts and Get Help.
Web sites and books on depression abound. Find them and do some research. You need to know what you're dealing with. Learn all you can about depression, so you can make educated decisions about your own health, learn how others cope, and find what medical treatment is available. Many books have self tests to help you determine whether you are experiencing clinical depression or temporary sadness in reaction to an event. In addition to reading everything you can get your hands on, one of the most important things you can do for yourself is seek medical help right away. Depression is much too complicated for you to solve on your own. Clinical depression is a serious medical condition that is very complicated to treat. Often it is a physical problem that requires long term medication. In my own experience, it's taken years of medication, counseling, and practicing various self help methods to slowly emerge from it, and it's still a daily battle.
Many people suffer needlessly from depression because they won't consult a doctor. If you're waiting for God to heal you, consider this: God gives scientists intelligence, which they often use to create helpful medicines; and He gives doctors wisdom to treat illnesses. Wise doctors and modern medicines are gifts from God and vehicles through which He often heals. Doctors can help you determine whether what you feel is truly depression, or if you are just reacting normally to a sad life situation.
If you've experienced depression, you already know it is not an illness you can "snap out of," no matter what others may tell you. It's not something to be ashamed of either. Depression can be a serious physical illness caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals or other factors. Like any serious medical condition, depression needs to be treated. Without the proper treatment, none of my suggested coping strategies will do any good.
2) Get Focused.
Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness pervade the life of a depressed person. The opposite of depression is a hopeful attitude. Focusing on hope and developing a hopeful heart is a must. It can be accomplished in a couple ways. One way is to search the Bible for the numerous Scriptures that tell how God has helped those who felt hopeless. It's helpful to memorize verses like these: Hebrews 4:15 (For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin.); 2 Corinthians 4:8 & 9 (All-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.); Matthew 6:34 (Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.); Isaiah 41:10 (Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.); and John 14:27 (Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.).
The story of Job and the book of Psalms are the most worn pages in my Bible. While at my lowest, I've read and re-read them more times than I can count. My fridge and the mirrors in my house are covered with sticky notes reminding me of how God intervenes in the lives of His people.
Another way to focus on hope is by practicing positive self talk. This simply means telling yourself good things. I made a list for myself of positive affirmations like "God cares and understands my pain. God values me. God is giving me strength. I am made in God's image. I can choose my attitude. I choose not to put myself down. I'm a worthwhile person. I have a purpose. I enjoy life. I choose to be happy and I am competent." If you struggle with depression, I think you'll find it helpful to write down as many of these affirmations as you can think of and read them every day. Even if they're not currently true or you don't really believe them, it's okay. Say them to yourself anyway. Your mind will come to believe what you tell it, so tell it you are already the type of person you want to become. Be sure to remind yourself often that God is with you and He is pouring his strength on you. "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him For the help of His countenance. ...For You are the God of my strength..." (Psalm 42:5 and 43:2 NKJV)
2 Corinthians 4:18 says we need to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Focusing on positive, heavenly things rather than earthly things will keep the feelings of hopelessness at bay.
3) Get Friendly.
Fellowship with other people is a mood lifter. Being alone is the worst thing you can do when you're depressed. Unfortunately, it's usually the very thing I want most. Depression grows best in isolation. I find it very difficult to get out and socialize when I'm depressed, but if I push myself to do it, I'm almost always glad later. Some ideas for socializing include joining a club, taking a class, inviting someone to meet you for lunch, or visiting a nursing home to chat with the residents there. It especially helps me to be with friends who enjoy the same hobbies I do. Shopping, watching movies, and rubber stamping are some of the things I enjoy doing alone, but they're twice as much fun when I do them with friends.
4) Get Giggling.
I collect cartoons and funny newspaper columns. I visit humor web sites online, watch funny movies, and read funny books. Best of all is laughing with friends. One of the reasons I enjoy my grandson so much is because he makes me laugh. I can act goofy with him and let go of my inhibitions. We dance and sing and make up silly rhymes. I have photographs of us wearing funny glasses with big black mustaches. I laugh every time I look at those. Laughing affects brain chemicals. It releases endorphins, which make you feel good. Chocolate does the same thing, but a good laugh is less fattening.
A friend of mine, who had a very frustrating job, told me that one day she was inspired by someone who had a huge, bright smile. She decided to emulate that woman and smile at everyone she encountered. Right away, she realized that smiling was addictive. It seemed to make the time pass more quickly and she found herself less frustrated and more at peace. She told me, "It sounds corny, but it really works!"
Paul wrote, "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4 NKJV) I've heard that a person can act her way into feeling better. Act happy, act glad, and it helps you to feel happy and glad. Paul exhibited this truth in his own life. Acts 16 tells how Paul and Silas were attacked, beaten, locked in stocks, and thrown into solitary confinement. Yet, at midnight, what were they doing? Feeling sorry for themselves? Asking God, "Why?" Moaning and complaining like I do? No, they were singing! Sure they were suffering, but they knew they were children of God. Paul may have even been remembering his personal encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus. (Acts 22:10) They were praising God because they had been rescued from their sins, filled by the Holy Spirit, and added to God's family. No jailer could take that away. That was worth being grateful for, no matter what else happened to them. Even if they were to be killed, it would only send them to heaven. So why should they fear? That's some awesome faith, isn't it?
5) Get Rhythm.
When I feel a case of the gloomies descending, that is not the time to play melancholy music. Positive upbeat tunes are in order -- the sort of music you might hear at a parade or a circus. Music gets your toes tapping and your blood flowing. It makes you want to sing. Singing and dancing sends a message to your brain that you're happy. Your brain is an actualizer. Whatever it "thinks" is true, it works to bring about. This is why positive thinking works. You tell yourself, "I'm happy" often enough and your brain accepts it as fact. It actualizes that truth, making it happen. I've found that when depression takes hold of me, I tend to ruminate on negative thoughts. Listening to good, Christian music with positive lyrics helps to pour good things into my brain and crowd those negative things out. There's a list of good things to ponder in the fourth chapter of Paul's letter to the Philippian church. It says to think about whatever is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, noble, right, or admirable. Philippians 4:8 says, "If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." Christian music helps me accomplish this.
6) Get Busy
We all need to feel like we're involved in something significant. We need to participate in something outside ourselves. You might consider volunteering at a local women's shelter or food pantry. I've enjoyed both and discovered that when I stay busy helping others and concentrating on their problems, I get a break from focusing on my own troubles. This is how HUGS and HOPE began. It started with a small effort to make a difference for one family and it grew. I've learned that joy boomerangs. When you give it away, it comes back to you. Helping others gives you the heart-warming satisfaction of knowing you are making a difference in the world. That will elevate your mood as well as your self esteem.
7) Get Physical
This is two-fold. Physical exercise is good for us, but physical contact is equally important. Our bodies need to move to be healthy, and going for a walk is the easiest exercise for me to do when I'm depressed. It doesn't require as much energy and motivation as other activities. Breathing the fresh air and looking at the beauty of nature can be helpful, and taking my dog along is even better. Just watching his ears flop as he bounces down the road in front of me often brings a smile to my face.
Exercise affects brain chemicals, and the healing touch of physical closeness does too. If you're depressed, hug somebody - anybody, everybody! A hug is good medicine. It reduces stress and tension and it boosts your immunity to illness. Hugs raise self esteem and lower blood pressure. They feel good and make people happy. And they're free! Hugs are the universal language that communicates love and acceptance. They're healthy for the "hugger" as well as the "hugee."
8) Get Quiet
I need to lean heavily on God's word and spend time with Him. When I pray, I talk things over with God. When I read the Bible and meditate on it, I hear Him speak to me and I contemplate what He says. I've found this to be one of the best anti-depressants there is. However, I need to add a word of caution here. Too much solitude can worsen depression. Isolating yourself and avoiding people can make depression grow. Don't use meditation time as an excuse to avoid human contact. Time with God is of the utmost importance, but balance between quiet time alone and time spent with others is essential.
9) Get Forgiveness - And Give it Too!
I've read that many psychiatrists agree that depression is guilt or anger turned inward. David is an example of someone whose guilt led to depression. After committing adultery, he wrote, "When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was turned into the drought of summer." (Psalm 32:3-4)
Sin makes you feel bad, but when you receive God's forgiveness, your guilt is removed; and often depression is removed too.
Depression can sometimes be caused from the need to forgive someone else or yourself (whomever is making you angry). Grudges cause feelings of frustration, which aggravate the hopeless feelings of depression. When we forgive, we let go of past hurts and give up bitterness. Then depression has no negativity on which to feed. If you free yourself from feelings of hate and open yourself up to feelings of love, you may feel as if the depression is physically lifting off your shoulders.
My friend Nance went through a difficult divorce, which left her bitter about the past, anxious about the future, and miserable in general. She harbored a lot of grudges and guilt, and she worried constantly. She felt the need to control everything in her life, yet she knew she couldn't. After attending a women's retreat, Nance realized what her negativity was doing to her.She released her worries, fears, anger, and resentments at the foot of the cross. Then she felt a renewal in her heart. She was happy and at peace.
When she was dying, Nance told me that the most difficult thing she'd ever had to do was forgive - both her ex-husband and herself -- for past mistakes. She said forgiving was even harder than dying!
Forgiveness isn't a simple one time event. It's a process that often takes time (sometimes years), but it's an important step to healing.
Jesus taught forgiveness when he said we'd be forgiven in the same way we forgive others, and when he told Peter we should forgive, not seven times, but seventy times seven. Of course, Jesus also lived forgiveness. While hanging on the cross, he looked at his torturers and said, "Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34)
10) Get Thankful.
When I'm depressed, I need to make a conscious effort to count my blessings. An attitude of hopelessness and discontent has a hard time competing with an attitude of gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:28 says, "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." It's important to remember that depression is not fatal and it doesn't last forever. You WILL survive! Remind yourself that this cloud of despair will pass eventually. It may seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but trust that there is; and be thankful for that, as you wait for the light to appear.
So, while kisses from your husband (or a psychiatrist) may be great, they can't cure depression. But along with medication and the proper treatment, now you have some practical steps you can take for your own well being. There are times when one of these strategies may be more helpful than the rest. Other times, it may seem that none of them makes a huge difference. But I keep practicing all of them anyway, because I know they are steps toward a healthier lifestyle. Following them on a regular basis may not eliminate depression forever, but they help me to minimize their severity.
These tips can be helpful for people who are not depressed too. They can be useful for anyone who is a little discouraged, a little blue, or needs to refocus on more positive things in life.
I hope that by trying these ideas you may find yourself on the way to experiencing more joy.
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Monday, December 19, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Become A Habitual Peak Performer - Learn How To Get Into Flow Or - The Zone More Frequently
This Is NOT An Expert Paper On Getting Into "Flow"
This is not a technical article on the psychology of sports and how the brain functions when a person is engaged in competition. I am not a zone coach or psychologist, neither do I pretend to have conducted any experiments or studies on people who have exhibited the traits of persons who could be said to have been in "flow" at any point in time.
What I aim to do in this article is to share my considerable experience in delivering exceptional performances in virtually every area of endeavour I have chosen to apply diligent and committed effort. Most of my achievements have been made possible by my self-taught ability to almost willfully get myself into "Flow"(an unconscious state of mind that facilitates seemingly effortless achievement of optimal learning and/or performance) whenever I felt the need to do so, in order to achieve a set goal(s).
Because I have experienced what it feels like to get into "Flow" or "The Zone" on many occasions(and I provide graphic details of some of those instances in this article), I am able to share THAT experience with the reader, and explain how s/he can achieve the same result, frequently and repeatedly, if s/he so desires.
As I have stated earlier, I make no claims to being an authority on getting into "Flow" or "The Zone". However going by my personal experiences(which I need NO PhD degree qualifications to write or speak about), I strongly believe different individuals will find need to develop different levels of proficiency in their ability to get into AND STAY - for as long as may be necessary/desired - in "The Zone". Improvement in mastery of this skill will depend on how well each person applies him/herself.
The challenge is therefore for you to use the ideas offered in this write up to build up YOUR OWN ability to get into - and stay in - "The Zone" in a way that enables you meet YOUR needs to achieve.
What Exactly Does It Mean To Get Into "Flow" Or "The Zone"?(My Handball Semi-Final Match Case Study)
Before I make references to what others have said, I will describe this experience in my own words by narrating what happened to me during the 1992 finals of the University Of Ibadan's Inter-Halls Handball Competition. That year, I was captain of both the university team and the Independence Hall team. The latter had qualified - for the first time in their history - for the semi-finals of the inter-halls competition, and we were up against Nnamdi Azikiwe Hall, our arch rivals.
The match commenced around 1.00pm when the sun was overhead and the heat was scorching. It was a very intense and closely fought battle. As one side scored a goal the other side replied almost immediately on the next attack. At half time my team led, by a single point. Although I had scored a number of goals en route to the finals, that first half had not witnessed a single goal by me.
However, because we had anticipated that some of our key players would be marked out by the opposition, our team had worked out an alternative plan that made it possible to create scoring chances for other players. This worked well, and we stayed ahead - but only just!
At a point, all I could think of was the single point lead on the score board and the voice in my head screaming that we needed to score another goal to avoid a tie. Each time I turned to receive or make a pass, I found I did not really see faces clearly. I saw the jersey colors and numbers, but the detailed features of each person seemed to be something of a blur...faded. Yet I could still tell my team mates from the opposition at any point in time.
Suddenly, for no obvious reason, the guy marking me out let me get COMPLETELY past him(for the first time since the match began) as a pass came to me from the left. In that split second, as I caught the ball, I saw a little space between the left foot of the goal keeper and the bottom left of the goal post. On reflex, I threw a hip shot with my right hand, and watched almost as if on TV, the ball fly into into the keeper's far left corner of the goal post. All this while I had stopped hearing most of the noise from the spectators who had completely surrounded the handball court and were cheering wildly.
Then I felt someone grab me, screaming delightedly, while another team mate patted me on the back. I looked to the sidelines and saw the University team coach - Mr. Nwosu - raise his hands in the air shouting 'Iyo"(a slang in my language Yoruba, meaning "Super!" even though - ironically - he was Ibo). That was when it clicked - at least enough for me to manage to raise my right hand in the air and jog back to the nine metre line of my team's half. I realised I had scored a good goal, but I could not explain how - it had been done on instinct, and I could not even recall "thinking about doing" or "planning" it.
Not long after, the referee blew the final whistle, and we won. That year, someone using the pen name "Dancing Pen" wrote an article on me (which I still have a copy of in my files) which was pasted on the notice board in the hall titled "Tayo Solagbade - Steroid Man"*, in which the writer described the goal I scored as (to use his exact words): "the Fastest, Most Spectacular and Shocking Goal". He also quoted the University coach as having said "Indy (i.e. Independence Hall), played the match of their lives, and Tayo was at his best".
*("Steroid Man" was a nickname given to me by colleagues in the University team, because I never seemed to get tired in a match, even when we were losing badly).
How Does This Relate To Getting Into Flow/The Zone?
Well the truth is every time I got on to the handball court, I made a point of forgetting EVERYTHING else. For those who took note, minutes to the start of the match, I would become a bit pensive, and withdrawn. During this period, I tended to re-run in my mind specific moves I had practiced during the training sessions leading up to the match, which I hoped to use. Even as I exchanged greetings with other players, I would keep my mind firmly fixed on this mental pre-match "ritual".
Evidence that my achievements were recognised would come at the end of my final year in the University when I received merit awards from the university Sports Council and the Independence hall - in addition to graduating top of my class in my department. Not many active sports persons in the institution got to have the best of both worlds the way I did - and THAT was what caught the attention of the institution's sports administrators. Looking back I realise that my "intense focus" enabled me get into "flow"(though I did not know the word/concept then) quite frequently while pursuing both my academic and sporting interests on campus, so that I achieve the "balanced" success I eventually recorded.
Peak Performing As An Entrepreneur
Today, I build spreadsheet software and websites(among others) for a living - activities which require PC/Internet access AND electricity. Unfortunately, in order to make tangible profits, I have to DAILY explore ways to COST-EFFECTIVELY progress paying clients' projects IN SPITE OF extremely erratic power supply from my country's power generation company. Sometimes I do not have light for more than four(4) hours in a day - and even that iS often a case of ON...then OFF...then ON again, and not a continuous stretch.(FACT)
Despite these challenges, my client profiles have risen, and my fees quadrupled since the start of the new year! This has happened because I successfully transferred my ability to "peak-perform" by getting into flow, from my past life in school, sports, and paid employment into my present life as an entrepreneur. It did not happen overnight(took quite some practice/persistence because I had to LEARN all over again till I began to master my NEW vocation), but then nothing that has sustainable value ever does.
Getting Into "Flow/The Zone" Is NOT About Being(Or Becoming) Absent Minded!
In the process of pushing myself to achieve peak performance, I sometimes found myself being accused - especially by those I lived with(my wife being number one) of being absent minded - or even uncaring. Over time they however came to discover that it was not deliberate.
Being in "flow" is about getting into a state of mind that enhances your ability to perform at your best...your peak. Not everyone knows - or cares to call it - "flow" or "The Zone". But many who have seen someone under its influence (or experienced it) often mention the same "signs" when describing it. I once read that William H. Carrier(inventor of the Air Conditioner) was said to have been "absent minded" to the point that he once boarded a train and completely forgot his destination, while thinking about a solution to a problem! THAT is the "intensity" of focus or concentration on a SPECIFIC activity that can get ANYONE into "flow". No wonder James Cook referred to Carrier as belonging to the elite group of "Super Entrepreneurs".
Thomas Edison was also reputed to have been rather "forgetful". What I think many "critics" of these people failed to note however is the fact that these men - and others like them - were seldom, if at all EVER forgetful about their favoured vocations or interests! I am not aware for instance that Edison at any point in his life was unable to answer questions posed to him regarding his work because he "forgot". Instead it was the daily routine stuff that had little to do with the work he had a passion for, that he "chose to forget".
Many achievement-oriented people who feel the need to be at their productive best even do something that I like to call "Deliberate Forgetting". In fact I recall reading about a teenage girl who became an excellent violinist saying that she achieved her proficiency through what she called 'Planned Neglect". She explained this term by saying that each day she would put off cleaning her room (or other chores) UNTIL she had put in what she considered ENOUGH practice into playing the violin.
Before adopting this approach she had been unable to find enough time/energy to practice, and as a result was not making the progress she wanted. This happened because she often started each day doing her various chores, using up a lot of energy/time. By the time she eventually began practice there would not be much time left - and she would tire easily from all the previous exertion. So she decided some things had to enjoy less of her attention in order for her to FOCUS on those things or THAT ONE thing she most desired to do - and do WELL.
Getting Into "Flow" During Intellectual Activity Results In "Mental Ecstasy"
When you get into flow while doing something intellectual(e.g. writing), from my experience what you feel is what I believe can be called "Mental Ecstasy". You would feel "great pleasure" every time you are able to achieve that state of mind - even though the activity you are engaged in might require great effort or skill that would task other persons to the limits of their abilities! And that's why it can get a bit addictive, leading to a person acting seemingly "uncaring" or "distant".
To a considerable extent, getting into and STAYING in "Flow" requires that your mental attitude be almost the exact opposite of that required to be a caring, thoughtful and responsive partner to a mate or parent to a child etc. In my opinion however if a person can take the pains to learn how to control the process of deliberately going in and out of flow, s/he would live a more successful life.
You need to be able to strike a balance - delicate it might be, between being in flow and being human. Else what could happen is you end your sojourn on earth as having been one of the most exceptional performers in your chosen vocation in the history of mankind, but with the reputation of having been incapable of keeping a relationship or family together.
Daniel Goleman in his book on "Emotional Intelligence" explained that improving your ability to enter into flow is to become more emotionally intelligent. According to him getting into flow is the ultimate means of making use of one's emotions in the pursuit of performance and learning. To put it simply, a person who KNOWS how to get him or herself into "Flow" or "The Zone" deliberately and repeatedly as the need arises demonstrates a high level of Emotional Intelligence. This is because being able to do so requires a level of self-mastery that is seldom achievable without the ability to harness one's emotions effectively.
As is common knowledge today, your Emotional Intelligence and NOT your academic intelligence is MORE likely to determine your success in school and especially your adult life. Therefore to increase your chances of succeeding in life, you will want to learn how to get into "flow" more frequently, so as to boost your Emotional Intelligence.
Steps You Can Follow To Get Yourself Into Flow/The Zone Deliberately & More Frequently
1. Carefully think about and set SPECIFIC goals you want to achieve(in SPECIFIC areas of your vocation or interest) by getting into "Flow".
2. Identify the TASKS you will need to execute or implement in order to achieve those goals.
3. Develop your proficiency in the task(s) you wish to achieve peak performance in to the point that you can do it(or them) with practiced ease. Some people would say "with your eyes closed". I have watched labelling machine operators on a manned 45,000 bottles per hour bottling line feed labels into it almost without error continuously for over six(6) consecutive hours on a night shift. It takes plenty of PRACTICE to get to that level of competence.
And it is only after you have attained such a level of proficiency that you can reasonably expect to be able to deliberately/competently get in and out of "Flow", while engaged in your preferred activity.
4. Actively work to find and/or create the kind of environment(physical and psychological) that you KNOW will enhance your ability to get into and STAY in The Zone. For instance, you will need to master the art of focussing intensely or concentrating HARD on your subject of interest such that you "force" yourself into "The Zone". I often use this approach (especially) when I need to give a speech.
5*. Avoid the things/habits that keep you from getting into The Zone(e.g. undisciplined expenditure of sexual energy; worrying etc) and do more of those which boost your ability to "Zone Out"(e.g. staying fit through regular physical exercise, meditation etc).*
6. Engage as much as possible ONLY in tasks or vocations that you naturally ENJOY doing - else getting into flow and/or staying there will be VERY difficult. Your performance as a result will be erratic.
Knowing How To Get Into The Zone Will Help You Deliver Desired Results Under Pressure
As you may be aware, some people thrive under, and respond positively TO pressure - often delivering their BEST performances when exposed to it. I happen to be one of such people. It is my considered opinion, based on my personal experiences and successes in school, sports, paid and now self-employment, that if you truly want to be a peak performer, you MUST master how to deliver optimal performances in your preferred vocation or activity EVEN when(especially when!) you are under pressure.
Fail to do this and your transformation will be INCOMPLETE. You would be like a potential Michael Jordan who fails to achieve his/her full potential on the court during game time. What's that you ask? I mean everyone loved Jordan because he was a player who delivered when it mattered most(a "big match" player) - in the important games and at the MOST important time...scoring a match winning basket just a few seconds before the buzzer sounded. It takes an ability to DEAL with psychological pressure to do that. You CAN develop the ability to do it. If you learn how to get into "flow", as suggested here, you WILL end up with the ability to do it unconsciously - AGAIN and AGAIN!(The key word there being "UNCONSCIOUSLY")
Final Words: A Person In Flow/The Zone Will Make Doing What S/he Does Look Easier Than It Really Is
And THAT is something YOU can use as a measure of how well you have learnt to get into and STAY in the zone while doing what you do i.e when people start expressing surprise or even amazement about how well you do what you do, with some asking you "what is your secret?".
Another way to measure your progress, will be unsolicited testimonials people will give about your abilities. Below, I offer two examples of unsolicited written testimonials about me from former colleagues:
"Tayo, I honestly believe you are one of those who will succeed at anything he does... I don't need to wish you good luck. You have the ability to make your own luck..".
Read my article titled "Should You Quit Your Job Or Start Your Business Part-Time?" to read the full text of that handwritten message to me in December 2001 by the overall head(Operations Manager) of the brewery I worked in.
I once helped out a Utilities Manager colleague by automating his Engineering Services usage monitoring charts preparation using my skills in spreadsheet programming. This was done in respone to his request, after he saw what I had done in my spare time for my department. Well, here's what he wrote (in part) to me via email from the new company - a multinational Oil Service company - he had resumed working for, some months after my departure:
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To:olufelatks@xxxxxx.com
Subject:WANT US TO MEET
Date:Wed, 26 Jun 2002 09:59:16 +0100
Hi Tayo,...my main reasons for my search for you are... to involve you in my new task of computerizing my departmental reports....I believe you have the competence to transform our reports having seen your Midas touches in Guinness. The report will be in Excel spreadsheet, segmented into sheets but to be viewed and accessed by macro buttons. The report should be able to auto print and shows graphs. Presently, we have two mains Computerized Maintenance Systems from which some data need to be downloaded. The report must be able to give quick predetermined checks for immediate management decisions. In pursuit of this goal, I want us to discuss and agree on the execution modalities and other things. I am proposing to be in Lagos this weekend and wish to see you...Shola"
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What made him so sure that I could help him? The answer is obvious: I had shown that I could deliver the kind of results he wanted in the past and he had witnessed it.
Learn how to deliver peak performances routinely and repeatedly by getting into flow often, and you WILL earn similar testimonials from others around you.
Useful References
1. Article: "Curse of the Succubus" by Andrew Corsello. A humour tinged but seriously educative article about a one time Tennis world No. 1 - Pete Sampras - who KNEW how to deliver peak performances by getting into and STAYING in The Zone. It was written in "GQ Magazine October 2002 - IN THE ZONE" and subtitled >>Why has Pete Sampras fallen so fast, so hard, so...willingly? Clearly the man who perfected the Zone has lost his formidable powers...2. Book: "Emotional Intelligence" by Dr. Daniel Goldman. In this excellent ground breaking book subtitled "Why It(i.e. "Emotional Intelligence") can matter more than IQ", Goleman explains, with useful anecdotes about(and testimonials from) real-life high performing individuals, backed by research findings, why the ability to get into flow in the pursuit of learning and performance is Emotional Intelligence at its best.
3. Resource: "The Internet" by Any Search Engine. I must NOT forget this one :-). Do a search on the net and you should discover additional/useful learning resources.
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Saturday, December 10, 2011
4. Vermont Long Trail - Southern Vermont C..wmv
Writing in my trail journal is something that I do constantly when I'm out on the trail. It's a crucial part of my trail experience and on the Vermont Long Trail, it was no different. I woke up that morning with a cold brewing, though, and in following sections, you'll see it clearly develope. The view from Stratton Mountain Fire Tower was just incredible. You could see so many of the mountains of southern Vermont. Mount Snow was just to the south and Killington was in sight to the north. The weather was still beautiful and my spirits, still high. We end this section with a beautiful fluttering butterfly.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Spotting the Signs of Infidelity
At one point, everyone may experience that sick, stomach churning feeling, alerting them that something in their relationship is wrong. They may dismiss it as an overactive imagination, paranoia or a case of bad Chinese take out from the night before. However, when they notice that those uncertain feelings linger for weeks and maybe even months, they realize that it is not a situation that can be ignored. Your emotions are the one real friend you can always count on to tell you the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Whether it's intuition sending you a telegram that trouble is brewing in romantic paradise or simply an acute subconscious connection to the vibrations in your environment, those signs of infidelity need to be listened to and investigated.
For the seeker of truth behind the suspicious behavior and actions of their partners, I've composed a guide to spotting infidelity to give you a starting point in your PI work.
1. Unaccounted for Spending Receipts
If a person has taken on a new lover, they will have to spend money to take them out to restaurants, hotels, trips, and buy them gifts. So, keep an eye on expenses through a credit card paper trail that do not have a reasonable explanation. Some cheating partners may choose the cash route and withdraw funds from local or out of town ATMs to finance their indiscretions.
2. Changes in Appearance
Study any changes in wanting to suddenly improve their physical looks. Cheating spouses or significant others often want to look better for their lover and will start buying new clothing, working out, wearing makeup, getting a new hairstyle, or start wearing new perfume or cologne.
3. Internet Communication
Often, if a spouse or boy/girlfriend met their lover online, they'll correspond via Instant Message or email. So, a review of their chats will reveal if it is a simple flirtation or if it has gone further. Also, check out some of the popular online dating sites, such as Yahoo! Personals, Match.com, eHarmony, MySpace etc for their picture and profile, especially if that was how you first met. Sometimes, they never take their profile down and continue meeting new people using the same member id. So, keep an eye on old profiles that for some reason never got taken down or deleted.
A great site called truedater.com is a great resource for online daters who share stories and resources on people they've met online. It's basically a website created to dish on whether the people are being truthful in their dating profiles. Another popular website that's recently been all over the news is DontDateHimGirl.com You may actually find a story about your significant other posted there, telling you about their past history with dating on the web, encounter a recent post detailing an indiscretion or even a warning about the type of person you may be about to get involved with or are currently with.
If they are all of a sudden deleting their emails before you can read them or changing their password, that can also tip you off that there is something going on that they do not want you to find out about.
4. Becoming a Workaholic
A person who is cheating will often use work as an excuse to meet with their lover. You'll notice they work later than usual, take frequent work related trips or if they are a commuter, will give you an excuse that a new job project has crazy hours which leads them to sleeping overnight in the city. Another clue may be their disappearance during lunch hours where even their coworkers or secretary may not know how or where to reach them.
5. Decrease in Sex Drive
This is one of the first tell tale signs that a partner may be cheating because they will want less and less sex from you, since they are getting it from their lover.
6. Changes in Sex Style
On the flip side of that, you may experience your partner suddenly trying out new positions or techniques in bed that most probably were taught to them by their new lover. If you do suspect cheating, please protect yourself by using a condom or getting tested because s/he could be bringing in sexually transmitted diseases from the affair.
7. Telephone Clues
Watch for strange hang ups that start to occur more often when the unknown caller hears your voice. It may be the lover trying to get in touch with your spouse or live in partner. Also, check for unknown numbers on the cellphone and home phone records that are becoming more and more frequent. Another clue is your partner not returning your phone calls within a short period of time. In the past, s/he always got back to you within the hour but lately, s/he cannot be reached by phone for many hours. If you are not living together, they may even start returning your calls the next day, instead of later that same day or night. You may even notice that when you are together, they turn off their cellphones or turn their answering machine volumes to low or mute so you don't hear the lover calling or leaving them a message.
8. Personality Changes
S/he suddenly becomes distant and is not as affectionate as they used to be. The compliments become scarce, they find fault in your actions or behavior and the efforts to be emotionally supportive are not as forth coming as they used to be. Communication has diminished and you start to feel neglected and alone even when s/he is in the same room. You may also experience an increase in arguments and heated fighting as their stress level goes up trying to live the double life. Even catching them in lies, excuses and defensive behavior may become prevalent as time goes on. It is difficult for many cheaters to keep the charade going forever.
9. Shower Frequency
You notice s/he showers the moment they get home. This may be a sign that they are trying to remove the traces of scent of another lover from their body so you don't suspect what they were doing.
10. Laundry
If they are cheating, you may notice them doing their own laundry and getting nervous when you offer to do it for them. The reason may be so that they can remove any scents of the lover, sex stains or lipstick smudges left behind.
11. Spending Less Time With You
No matter how long couples have been together, they usually have days of the week where they spend time together going out and doing fun things together, commonly known as date night. Couples also plan trips and vacations, which become habitual. If a partner is cheating, they may start to show less of an interest in spending time with you and make excuses as to why they can no longer go on trips or vacations together. The common excuses range from being too tired, having too much work to having a friend or other family emergency that requires their time and attention. They may even encourage you to take trips and vacations by yourself or with others.
12. Changes in Energy Levels
All of those stolen days and hours spent with their lover will take a toll on their energy levels. So, you may start to see your partner too exhausted to do much with you or go out with you anywhere.
13. Property or Car Rentals & Ownership
For couples who have a substantial income, large undisclosed expenses can lead to uncovering secret property and car rentals or ownership. So do a background check by researching public records to find out if new homes, condos or apartments have been co-signed for or rented and purchased in their name. You may discover their romantic getaway or new home for the cheating partner's lover. If you have a second home or vacation place together, then make sure to frequently visit or have trusted friends keep an eye on it to make sure that it is not being used without your knowledge. It's not uncommon for them to buy or lease a new car for their lover too so don't leave that stone unturned.
With the exception of tip number 13, none of these signs by themselves are conclusive evidence of adultery since there could be a reasonable explanation for the changes in behavior, depending on what is going on in their personal or work life, such as a death in the family, depression or other medical problems, financial problems, substance abuse, loss of employment, work instability, or new job which brings new pressures and responsibilities on their plate.
However, if you are able to check off more and more of the signs on the list as behaviors seen in your partner, then the likelihood of infidelity runs high and the red flags are worth looking into. Amp up your detective work by creating your own surveillance to find out the truth once and for all. Some people recommend just confronting your partner but more often than not, very few cheating partners will be honest and admit the affair unless they are confronted with irrefutable and tangible evidence. And, if they are not cheating, it will only anger or hurt them to be accused of it. So, before you make accusations and confront them, I say move forward with your detective work and gather up your evidence first. Investigate further by verifying their stories and plans. Let your partner think you are going out of town but secretly make plans to stay with a friend or family member so you can monitor their whereabouts or activities discreetly.
If through your investigations, you discover that s/he has been sleeping with someone else, you have a choice to make here. Based on the length of the affair and how committed they are to it, either walk away and don't look back or try to salvage the relationship through therapy and open communication. If both people truly want to make the relationship work, then you know you have a real shot at getting through this. Just remember to always listen to your inner voice that is there to guide you in making the right decision.
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